Expectations of Family… Learning October 14, 2009

I have been reflecting alot these past few months, and while the reality of becoming a mother and the responsibilities that comes with it is slowly sinking in; I have been thinking of expectations and looking at my two immediate role models: My mother and my mother in law.

My mother has always been there for my brothers and me. There was never any question in my head, if there were other things more important than her than us. She had her own business, but she always made sure that she came home early to make sure that we were ok. Till today, if I am back in Singapore, she would call to check if I had dinner plans, and if I didn’t, she would somehow buy some food home or meet me for dinner. She does that for my brothers and my Dad too. Her church work and her work occupied her time yes, but I have never in one moment had the thought that these were important to her than me.
Her life just evolved around her children and her husband. Period.

So I have come to an almost rude awakening, when I learnt how different my MIL is compared to my mum. Perhaps it is a difference in culture- My mum is chinese and my mil is White. Or perhaps it is personality. I think it is a bit of both, but somehow I suspect it is more the latter. My mil- her life evolves around herself. I am not saying this out of spite, or out of some crazy jealousy ; but by careful observations of her behavior through the recent years. I am still feeling disappointed ( if not I won’t be blogging this.) knowing this, but can I excuse her behavior because she is not aware of it?

My mil lives 1 and a half hours away from us, we hardly see each other , perhaps once every four months? She will keep in touch sometimes and then sometimes we won’t hear from her for long periods at a time. If you invite her over for dinner, she would be on this very restricted diet that allows for no salt, no spicy etc, that will make you cringe and think about eating out instead to make it easier. She brings her dog everywhere which in my opinion the most annoying and spoilt dog in the world. He barks nonstop and likes to hump at your leg. She brings the dog to my house even though she knows that I am allergic to fur, but she claims the dog doesn’t shed fur. Although this fact might be true, it is still pretty inconsiderate, isn’t it?

She is not so bad, there are so many good qualities about her. She is fun to hang around with, when she is relaxed, she is intelligent, sharp and have a great sense of humor. She is generous with her giving too. And she is genuine. But there are things that I puzzle over that I just don’t understand.

I don’t understand why she didn’t drop by to visit over the weekend when she came to Stanford shopping center to shop , and we live only ten minutes away. Was she so task oriented or was she afraid that she would disturb us?

I don’t understand why she asked us ( perhaps jokingly perhaps not) to move to Marin so that she can be near us and the grandchild when we have bought a house here and she is renting in Marin?

I don’t understand why she asked us what our plans were for the weekend, and say she would like to meet, and then when I tell her, she doesn’t reply except on the saturday to say she is not coming?

I can only conclude that she does that because she is self-centered and not aware of the effect that she has on others.
In the chinese culture, being accused of being selfish or self centred, is like committing a big crime, but perhaps in the western culture, it is almost a desired trait. I was horrified when a fellow MBA friend recommended the book ” Fountain Head” by Arand, because it extolled the virtues of being selfish. Being selfish, gets you ahead , makes you ambitious , and you are willing to pay the price because you ultimately get what you want. A politically correct way of saying that you are selfish, is to say that you are being true to yourself.

So unlike the chinese culture, where it is filled with obligations of what you ought to do and what you ought not to do. In the western world, it is more of what you want to do and not want to do. So at the very least, I know that if my MIL is doing something, it is because she wants to do it, not because she feels that she has to do it.

Still, I am struggling to accept her as she is. My hubbie has , he just shrugs it off and in a way because of how he was brought up, is so much more independent than me. I am learning that in order to accept her, I have to understand her more. I have to have empathy to understand her past, what she has been through and what she is like now. I have to also give her feedback – of course with alot of considerations of how she feels. I also need to learn to manage my own expectations of her.

Seeing a two week old baby October 5, 2009

Hubbie and I visited our neighbor and close friends who just had a baby. Usually in Singapore, we don’t see the baby until the baby is at least one month old because of the golden month custom whereby mothers are confined in their homes to rest for a month. But I guess my friends are not so traditional and so they welcomed us to visit their first child.

When I saw the baby, i cried out” Oh she is so small!” And indeed she was. There she was lying perpendicular to the length of the crib, with a little cap on and tightly wrapped up with a flannel cloth. She was breathing rather heavily , so you could see her tiny chest moving up and down. But her eyes were tightly shut so it looked like just two slits. Everything about her was just so delicate-her nose , her chin, her ears. Hubbie commented, oh she is so vulnerable.

I was still amazed at seeing this miracle of life- a new born baby after we got back from the visit. She looked so fragile and helpless. She couldn’t do anything on her own and needed all the love and feeding she could get. I held her while her father was preparing the milk and fed her a little. She really melted my heart, and i think my husband’s too.

God’s blessing of a prayer answered September 25, 2009

I was looking today at the past blog posts that I have written, and because I have the memory of a goldfish, I really couldn’t remember when I had the miscarriage. And when I read the blog entry , I realize that it was this year 09 Chinese new Year the day before. And my baby will be due on 14th Feburary, the first day of the new year.

What a glorious way to celebrate God’s goodness in my life! There is time for mourning , but also a time for rejoicing.

I am reminded of a song sung in church. IN HIS TIME

In His time, in His time,

He made all things beautiful in His time.

Lord please show me everyday,

as you are teaching me your way,

that you do just what you say

In his time. “

Do I have Gestational Diabetes? September 24, 2009

My mother has type 2 diabetes. My grandmother had type 2 diabetes. My great grandmother has type 2 diabetes. Does this mean that I have it too?

Gestational diabetes according to Google health, is defined as high blood sugar (diabetes) that starts or is first diagnosed during pregnancy.

Usually the doctors will ask to do a gluocose test when you are between 24th – 28th week of pregnancy. However, since I am considered a high risk patient, I was given the test at 17 weeks. I had to drink this fizzy orange flavour drink and then wait for 1 hour before taking a blood test. I hate the sight of blood, so imagine my fear when I saw that the nurse came with four empty tubes. Yuck.

Anyway, three weeks have past and nothing was said so I thought I was in the clear. However the doctor called me this morning and left a message to say that there was a higher sugar level than normal, and so I have to go for further gluocose test which will take three hours and it will then confirm if I have gestational diabetes or not.

I can hear my hubbie saying ” I told you so ” in my head already. Ok, time to take my diet and exercise more seriously.

To read more about Gestational diabetes, I found the following useful links:

1. http://www.babycenter.com/0_glucose-screening-and-glucose-tolerance-test_1483.bc?page=2

2. http://www.webmd.com/baby/guide/pregnancy-diabetes

3. http://www.diabetes.org/gestational-diabetes.jsp

Thoughts on friendships and advice September 23, 2009

I have been thinking very recently due to facebook and finding many long lost friends that I did not keep in touch with in UK. The type of friends I had, those who I shared some activities together like choir, and those that I truly shared experiences together. Being a somewhat extrovert person, I realize how important friends are in my life and my need to socialize.

I tend to make friends easily. I think it is because one of my most valuable asset as a friend is that I really do take an interest in people’s lives and I like to listen to their stories. it is really enjoyable for me to hear their lives as they account for their past and future fears and wants. And one thing that I make sure that as a friend , I do not do or at least try very hard not to do is to give personal advice on their lives. I think it can be a friendship breaker. True, one might argue that it does strengthen a friendships, but I rather not go there.

Over the last year, I have become more astute to observe how many of my friends from Singapore in the past and in the present have always offered advice to me, not realizing perhaps the potential damage that it might cause, or whether it actually might offend me. It’s weird because i never ask them for advice, but they offer it anyway. Is it because it is expected of them or is it because they want me to do the same??  Or even more cynically , could it be pride that they have to give you an answer ? I really can’t figure it out yet.However, I am led to believe that it is partly cultural, I do notice that people in Singapore do that way way more than Americans. I also realize that most of the time the advice they give tend to be from their perspectives and their own biaseness. It is never truly objective and looking at my point of view.

For me, I always hesitate to give advice partly because in many case, I think that is not what a friendship is – to give advice ; and also because I don’t think I know better. Unless I have been in their shoes before, or it is a non-emotional decision to make and biased towards a rational decision – then i will say something. e.g. whether it is the right time now to invest in stock etc; but otherwise I will keep the thoughts to myself.

Am I being dishonest as a friend? In a way, I guess so. I think in my lifetime there are only less than five people in this world that I dared to tell them to stop sprouting advice, but I don’t think I have ever dared to really tell them if they are making a mistake or to give them advice.

The only two that I have was when one of my friends told me that she was gay, and understanding her family background, I told her that she was doing out of rebellion and a mistake. And the other is when another friend was having an affair and I told her  to stop it. Those advices were given years ago, and now I think I hardly say anything like that so major. Is it because I have less friends now than I had before? Or is it because I no longer care as much?

No, I think it is because I value their friendships more than what they do with their personal lives. I want to be a friend that will accept them from where they are- unstable or stable; sane or insane ; making a bad decision or not; perfect or not. I only draw the line when they give me advise that is opposite of my own values and feel that they are imposing on me what they want. But otherwise whatever they are doing, I try to be as neutral as possible.

Hmm. Somehow I am still not satisfied with my own answer. I still think that there is a catch or a loophole somewhere, something flawed. Perhaps I will have more insight when the time comes.

Ultrasound scan at 20 weeks- September 22, 2009

With great trepidation and excitement, we went to see the radiologist today for the ultra sound scan at 20 weeks.

I thought the whole process would be over in 20 minutes, but it took a whole lot longer, the technician had to take photos of the heart, the leg, the size of the brand, the vital organs etc. It was quite a surreal experience- seeing something from your body that is a part of you and yet not part of you. It’s a total new being and body.

We wanted to find out the sex of the baby- I don’t know what they need to ask that, if technology advances allows you to know- wouldn’t you want to know?

The technician kept turning and turning the scanner around my belly and finally she shouted- Oh there is the penis- it’s  a boy! Wow. She pointed it out to me and I saw a kind of a round bump unmistakably- so it’s a boy. I was quite surprised, cos I thought it would be a girl since all my friends around me were having girls and I thought that it would be the same for us. Well, the name would be simple then as what we thought before- Jack yi .

It’s truly a miracle of life- don’t you think??

Dealing with a crazy tenant and psalms 109 August 31, 2009

Today has been possibly one of my most traumatic day of my life. I have a very angry tenant who is moving out today because we did not renew his lease. it is now too traumatic for me to even go to the details. But he basically was irate and I had to get the police to stop the abuse. 

I felt very bullied and wishing that hubbie was there with me, but he is away. I felt like a lamb without a protector. And why was I so afraid? Just that morning I had sang in church that I would not be afraid because Christ was there but yet I was. 

I feared for my own life.

I was afraid. 

Even i didn’t feel that God was with me, still I am safe now. I had my friend’s husband who was there to help me. and I was in the company of friends.

I want to fight back, but I know that feeling more angry does not do any good to my baby…. 

Anyway, here’s my version of psalms 109: 

1. May  he  have a thousand mosquito bites under their armpits and have bad breath for the rest of his life. 

2. May the pain that he caused me be 100 x over and  hurled back on him like a pile of rocks. 

3.  May he find a opposer of him who is even more wicked and foul mouth than him and live in fear of him. 

4. May he face traffic jams and granny cars in front of his car whenever he drives. 

5. …

Ok. I realize that I can’t write anymore. I can’t think of anymore. And I suddenly feel sorry for him because I think he is already rather depressed and leads a very unhappy life. Whether it is self inflicted or not ( perhaps another owner has cursed him before!) , there really is nothing worse that I could curse him with, or maybe I just don’t have the heart to do so. 

Here is Psalms 109. I think David must really have been so so pissed off with his enemies…. 

O God, whom I praise, 
       do not remain silent,

 ² for wicked and deceitful men 
       have opened their mouths against me; 
       they have spoken against me with lying tongues.

 ³ With words of hatred they surround me; 
       they attack me without cause.

 ⁴ In return for my friendship they accuse me, 
       but I am a man of prayer.

 ⁵ They repay me evil for good, 
       and hatred for my friendship.

 ⁶ Appoint ^{a</a>]” style=”font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; “>[a]} an evil man ^{b</a>]” style=”font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; “>[b]} to oppose him; 
       let an accuser ^{c</a>]” style=”font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; “>[c]} stand at his right hand.

 ⁷ When he is tried, let him be found guilty, 
       and may his prayers condemn him.

 ⁸ May his days be few; 
       may another take his place of leadership.

 ⁹ May his children be fatherless 
       and his wife a widow.

 ¹⁰ May his children be wandering beggars; 
       may they be driven ^{d</a>]” style=”font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; “>[d]} from their ruined homes.

 ¹¹ May a creditor seize all he has; 
       may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.

 ¹² May no one extend kindness to him 
       or take pity on his fatherless children.

 ¹³ May his descendants be cut off, 
       their names blotted out from the next generation.

 ¹⁴ May the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the LORD; 
       may the sin of his mother never be blotted out.

 ¹⁵ May their sins always remain before the LORD, 
       that he may cut off the memory of them from the earth.

 ¹⁶ For he never thought of doing a kindness, 
       but hounded to death the poor 
       and the needy and the brokenhearted.

 ¹⁷ He loved to pronounce a curse— 
       may it ^{e</a>]” style=”font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; “>[e]} come on him; 
       he found no pleasure in blessing— 
       may it be ^{f</a>]” style=”font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; “>[f]} far from him.

 ¹⁸ He wore cursing as his garment; 
       it entered into his body like water, 
       into his bones like oil.

 ¹⁹ May it be like a cloak wrapped about him, 
       like a belt tied forever around him.

 ²⁰ May this be the LORD’s payment to my accusers, 
       to those who speak evil of me.

 ²¹ But you, O Sovereign LORD, 
       deal well with me for your name’s sake; 
       out of the goodness of your love, deliver me

Time to stop and think August 19, 2009

These few weeks, I have been rather bombarded. Work has been hectic due to recent changes in the company, and so I had been feeling rather frantic trying to acomplish whatever i can in a day, and yet still happy to be busy. Although in my spare time or rather time for some retail therapy, I have been checking out the latest Strollers and maternity clothes on sale- I havent really given the baby much thought.  I still feel like myself. And currently it is just me and my husband at home. I don’t feel that there is me plus one . You know what I mean?

What’s more  I have had a sinus infection for the past two weeks or so ,and it had gotten worse, except that the gyni/ob I saw was relunctant to give me any antibotics for the sake of the baby.She asked me to pop some Sudafed and to keep rinsing my nose. I told her that it was so stuck that nothing came through when I rinsed it. To no avail.

I realize now that having a baby is so so much like preparing for the wedding, except that it seems to take alot longer – the whole of nine months to think and fret. There are so many decisions to make . There are fun ones like which stroller to buy? ( I am looking at either the Bugaboo or the Quinny from Craigslist) and the harder ones like should I do the Amniocentesis test ? Should I do a home birth ? Or should I give birth in the hospital? That answer was answered in a matter of seconds by my hubbie. He was born out of a log cabin, and had a very difficult birth because he was breeched. So he can testify that it is a bad idea.

Am I prepared to be a mother? Some people have asked me this, and I really dont know how to answer this. I think it is a matter of attitude right?

Still I am grateful for friends of mine back home and here who are a little ahead of the mummy game than me. Two of my friends in my hood are going to give birth next month, so I am just going to learn from their experience.

What I have decided early on though with hubbie and I is that we will not be afraid to discipline our kid and teach him/her right from wrong and to fear God. I have also decided that I am not going to let the kid run our lives. That’s what I thought of so far. I also decided that I am not going to be a full time mum.

And I am glad I don’t have twins. Everything would be harder.

Having trouble sleeping during pregnancy? August 17, 2009

I don’t know about other pregnant women, but I am having trouble sleeping at night even though I am only at the start of  my second trimester and don’t really feel the bulge yet. Still I find it a pain to wake up in the middle of the night to pee. And then having trouble going back to sleep again. One of my friends who is only two and a half weeks away from due date, said that she now gets up two – three times a night to pee! No wonder she is tired!

I also find it uncomfortable some how to sleep on my side . I am a back sleeper, so it really feels wierd on my neck. I think I will buy a body pillow soon.

Possible names for our tadpole August 11, 2009

Some friends with nothing but good intentions have been asking us if we have thought of names for our baby. I noticed that usually those are friends who don’t have kids . Perhaps it is a better question then how much weight have you gained???

As a joke, hubbie and I was thinking of calling the tadpole if it turned out to be a he, to be called Jack. and the middle name S. So it would be Jack S 🙂
Poor kid, before you are born, your parents are already making fun of you!

Anyway, I have thought of the chinese names- it would be middle names for my child. If it is a girl, the middle name would be ” en” which means “Grace” in chinese. And if it is a boy, I would like the name to be “YI” which means integrity.

For names suggestion, I think I would ask my parents and his parents for ideas. I think my chinese name was from my grandfather and so were my brothers. We can follow the chinese family tradition.