I have been thinking very recently due to facebook and finding many long lost friends that I did not keep in touch with in UK. The type of friends I had, those who I shared some activities together like choir, and those that I truly shared experiences together. Being a somewhat extrovert person, I realize how important friends are in my life and my need to socialize.
I tend to make friends easily. I think it is because one of my most valuable asset as a friend is that I really do take an interest in people’s lives and I like to listen to their stories. it is really enjoyable for me to hear their lives as they account for their past and future fears and wants. And one thing that I make sure that as a friend , I do not do or at least try very hard not to do is to give personal advice on their lives. I think it can be a friendship breaker. True, one might argue that it does strengthen a friendships, but I rather not go there.
Over the last year, I have become more astute to observe how many of my friends from Singapore in the past and in the present have always offered advice to me, not realizing perhaps the potential damage that it might cause, or whether it actually might offend me. It’s weird because i never ask them for advice, but they offer it anyway. Is it because it is expected of them or is it because they want me to do the same?? Or even more cynically , could it be pride that they have to give you an answer ? I really can’t figure it out yet.However, I am led to believe that it is partly cultural, I do notice that people in Singapore do that way way more than Americans. I also realize that most of the time the advice they give tend to be from their perspectives and their own biaseness. It is never truly objective and looking at my point of view.
For me, I always hesitate to give advice partly because in many case, I think that is not what a friendship is – to give advice ; and also because I don’t think I know better. Unless I have been in their shoes before, or it is a non-emotional decision to make and biased towards a rational decision – then i will say something. e.g. whether it is the right time now to invest in stock etc; but otherwise I will keep the thoughts to myself.
Am I being dishonest as a friend? In a way, I guess so. I think in my lifetime there are only less than five people in this world that I dared to tell them to stop sprouting advice, but I don’t think I have ever dared to really tell them if they are making a mistake or to give them advice.
The only two that I have was when one of my friends told me that she was gay, and understanding her family background, I told her that she was doing out of rebellion and a mistake. And the other is when another friend was having an affair and I told her to stop it. Those advices were given years ago, and now I think I hardly say anything like that so major. Is it because I have less friends now than I had before? Or is it because I no longer care as much?
No, I think it is because I value their friendships more than what they do with their personal lives. I want to be a friend that will accept them from where they are- unstable or stable; sane or insane ; making a bad decision or not; perfect or not. I only draw the line when they give me advise that is opposite of my own values and feel that they are imposing on me what they want. But otherwise whatever they are doing, I try to be as neutral as possible.
Hmm. Somehow I am still not satisfied with my own answer. I still think that there is a catch or a loophole somewhere, something flawed. Perhaps I will have more insight when the time comes.
Baby at 35! 